Horoscopes for July 27-August 2, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, your imagination, dreams and fantasies will provide other people with entertainment. Little did anyone know what a comedian you can be. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are in super great shape on the extremely the whole month of July. Look for really good news and lots of wet, sloppy kisses. Somebody’s getting a puppy! PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You’re better off kicking back and observing than trying to make things happen in July. If you can eavesdrop a bit, you’ll learn what they really think about you. ARIES…
INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman
PRIESTLY THEFT NEWS: Police arrested three 22-year-old men after someone reported seeing someone wearing vestments stolen from the St. Joseph Roman Catholic Church in Gardner, Massachusetts. Police say they have a motive, but are not making it public until they finish the investigation, and it was not anti-religious. Some speculate it was to boost fund raising while washing windshields. INTERCEPTED PASS NEWS: Michigan authorities say a man tried to throw a football loaded with drugs and cell phones into the yard of a state prison with the football landing between two fences. It was reported that the ball contained heroin,…
Horoscopes for July 13-19, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) It’s August in Arizona. Chances are great it’s going to be hot – very hot. You’ll complain as you have every year about the heat. You won’t do well in your afterlife. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) August is the perfect month for Taurus to get back together with a long lost lover. If it goes as planned, you will be together days longer than the first time. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Things are heating up and summer nights are boring. For relief, you’ll take up skinny-dipping at the city pool. You’ll…
Curmudgeon Corner
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: REALITY “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” A. Einstein “The people who say you are not facing reality actually mean that you are not facing their idea of reality. Reality is above all else a variable. With a firm enough commitment, you can sometimes create a reality which did not…
KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL
Q: I often read articles about menacing ghosts, puzzling poltergeists, Bigfoot sightings and extraterrestrial abductions. As I read these articles, I discover that many are written by adults who are recalling incidents that took place during their childhood. I often wonder if they are just writing stories for the sake of seeing their tales in print or are allowing their imaginative recollections to infiltrate their sensibilities. Why would people in their twenties or older write about odd happenings from their childhood? A: I really don’t know. Perhaps their memory was repressed due to the fright and horror they experienced. Or…
Nice Boots!
The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look at two-toned boots as a new summer fashion statement throughout the southwest. While traveling in her hot rod through small towns, attending antique car shows, this person takes time out to pose with her car and show off her boots. It seems her boots were a big hit with passerby, as many people, especially men, admiring her boots asked for a photograph. Made of mixed leathers, the boots instep uppers match the belt worn by the roadster owner. Our own staff members tried to get the woman to divulge where she…
Seniors Setting New Password
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50bloodyboiled cabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use. Related posts: That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon…
Long Live the Occult . . . By Bishop Special Excentric Necromancer
Where no hope is left, is left no fear – J.Milton Riding the technological bandwagon, life is changing seemingly faster than time itself. Truth be told, the rush to the Internet has created casualties in our daily lives. Harken to the words from The Stone, a philosophical volume of small circulation but enormous power. Indeed as we learn new skills from Tweeting to Texting to preferring the virtual to real action, other proficiencies are going by the wayside: The art of conversation, the art of being present, the art of looking at people, and that’s for openers. Nonetheless, some features…
Marry Your Sister’s Ex?
Dear Frankly, I am involved with my sister’s ex. We are in love and have recently moved in together. I am hoping our relationship be accepted by our families. I am worried about hurting my sister’s feelings. We found out that it is legal to marry each other here. He has asked and I want to. I guess what I’ve been looking for is someone’s blessing. My sister left the marriage and I cannot help that things worked out this way. Is there any way I can overcome our family issues? Confused Carla Dear Confused, When would it not be…
Let Us Return To Shady Grove . . . By Bishop, Special Excentric Intuit
Is the world bring run by smart people who are putting us or, on the other hand, by imbeciles who really mean it? Mark Twain Seems that all of Sedona have gone gaga about some planet my friend Alice calls Mercury. According to an intuitive cosmological friend, this distant planet is in the process of reversing itself in the great beyond. It is sending weird vibrations everywhere. People are cleaning out their garages, hiding file cabinets concealing timeworn love letters and swearing off coffee of any kind from Starbucks. The word at Rene’s is that Mercury may just stay in…
No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan
In what must be regarded as one of the more remarkable turn-arounds, Giles Ferguson, our resident atheist, has gone from a major critic of those within the community of believers to a fellow of sympathy and understanding, and no one on Doodlebug Island can explain the change. It’s wondered if, like Saul of Tarsus, who undoubtedly suffered heat stroke on his way to Damascus, and who went from a persecutor of Christians to the self-proclaimed Apostle Paul, Giles might be experiencing the results of a brain tumor or early signs of a mental breakdown? There’s general approval of the difference,…
SALTED PANCAKES . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian
Recently, my wife and I were talking with another couple when the conversation turned to cooking ability. Our friend told us she just couldn’t understand why her brand new husband didn’t immediately fall in love with her cooking when she prepared her first official breakfast as a new bride many years earlier. He, of course, as a new husband was reluctant to criticize his new bride’s attempt at pleasing him, so he bravely resisted the urge to spit his first mouthful of pancakes into the trash. Instead, he gritted his teeth, swallowed hard and made some excuse to leave the…
Typical Excentric Reader
This month’s typical Excentric Readers are Pat Morgan and Ellen O’Connell. The accompanying note read: We respectfully submit this photo from somewhere in the Bronx, NY. A dedicated Excentric reader, Pat Morgan, is on the right. A newcomer, Ellen O’Connell, is on the left reading the Excentric to her pet bird, species unknown to the human race! Best wishes, Kathleen Sullivan. Thanks. We assume Ms. Sullivan took the photo. Sadly, Ms. O’Connell seems attached to a wooden bird. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader…
That Really Bunches My Panties by Brendon Marks
For the last few years, I’ve always been involved in one building project or another. A friend remarked, “You’re going to die with a tool belt on.” I was a little concerned about that because he’s a Baptist minister and I was afraid that he might have some inside information. Like maybe he’s seen a list or something, but whatever will be, will be. It occurred to me that virtually every project that I start has one common factor. It always begins with my hands wrapped around the handle of a shovel. Even the very first job I had as…
ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You know the old adage, “Today marks the beginning of the rest of your life.” If you wake up the next day, the rest starts all over again and so on and so on. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will be of two minds about a love interest. On one hand, you find them amusing, on the other, you find them extremely irritating. Time to propose marriage. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you’ll realize that anything having to do with romance is likely to go well if you play…
Automotive Breakdown… by Denny Mandeville, Owner/Canyon Automotive, Sedona
People often ask about our “GREEN SHOP” certification and what does it mean? Green Shop is a program sponsored by both the Automotive Service Association Arizona and the Arizona Department of Environmental Quality to promote the best business practices for controlling, and reducing, the waste stream. In this case waste stream is not a running water type stream, but the flow of waste material that can wind up in the water through landfills and run off. A business alters the way it normally handles its waste and energy needs to be “green”, and by reducing our waste stream, reducing other…
Frankly Fanny by Herself
Dear Frankly: I have met a great guy at work. He’s sweet, good- looking and nice to talk to. I am completely in love with him. I wish we were “closer.” We had one date recently. A past love interest of his is now available again. I am worried about the future of our relationship. I want to jump in with both feet. But I am afraid of being the odd woman out in a love triangle. Perhaps he really is through with her. However, I cannot be sure. What do you advise I do next? Confused Claire Dear…
Horoscopes for July 6-12, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Do not walk boldly to your future this month. It would be best if you pretend you’re a houseplant that needs shade. Prune the dead leaves and stand in a corner. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You need to plug in for things to pan out. Or is it you need to tune in to drop out? Or maybe it’s you need to hang in to hang out. Well, you gotta get up to get down. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Others will take their cues from you especially when Uranus follows…
More Politics For Dummies . . .
Our crack staff takes a look at global climate change and the denial by some politicians that humans are partly responsible. Actually, it is quite understandable. These same politicians believe the Flinstones were real and sexual orientation can be cured with liniment and a marathon of Scared Straight movies. In this picture, an innocent boy confronts a lizard women (further proof that people lived among dinosaurs). Though politicians have the power to reduce carbon emissions, they would rather convince Lizard Lady to buy more sun screen. Related posts: Politics For Dummies . . . Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality…
Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality
POET’S PLAGUE I think it may have started when Craft Beers got tired and worn. A brewer changed one word and, Wow!– Artisanal Beers were born! A desperate baker then took note And stole the word, herself. Artisanal Bread became the rage And galloped off her shelf! Now, would you think “Artisanal” Would end at crust and keg? Hell, no! This is America! It’s an Artisanal Plague! Artisanal Cheeses rule the world; Artisanal Salsa scores!– Artisanal Soap, Artisanal Dope, Artisanal Rope just soars! At my Artisanal Funeral, Give irony its due!…
