Horoscopes for June 29-July 5, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Work, love, life, whatever, you’re a big winner. The kind of winner everybody wants to take out to dinner and smother with kisses. No, wait, that’s last year’s. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are itching for a little highbrow culture. But you live in Cornville, AZ and have nothing to scratch it with since the breakup of the Cornville Symphony. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) The microcosm of civilization that surrounds you is starting to wear on your patience, and the idea of faces you don’t recognize sounds thrilling. Go bowling….
INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman
BULLY FOR YOU NEWS: “I’m against bullying, but I’m getting damn tired of it being used as a mantra for everything, and the ills of the world. When all most people just have to grow a pair, and stick up for them damn selves.” So says the Juneor of Porterville, California, where, evidently, even the females are encouraged to sport male genitalia. Sounds like the Juneor needs to grow a brain. EDUMACATIONAL NEWS: A Connecticut college dropout was arrested after admitting to calling in two bomb threats to keep her family from learning she had quit Quinnipiac University. She made…
Curmudgeon Corner . . .
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: DOCTORS “If your time ain’t come not even a doctor can kill you.” American Proverb “The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that “hmmmm” noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won’t come right out and say “UH-oh!” Dave Barry “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”…
The Washington Wine Road – Part II. . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine Tasting Guy
Last month, I reviewed of a handful of Woodinville wineries from a recent spring break trip to Seattle. That was just a small taste of the potential that Woodinville holds for visitors. The region has a number of respected wineries and tasting rooms from the Washington wine scene, which provides a wide range of taste options given the state’s various growing regions and the fact that Washington produces everything from cool climate Rieslings to hot and dry GSM blends. This month, I present additional highlights from the trip, and share a bit more of what Washington wine has to offer….
Tips From the Redneck Book Of Manners . . .
1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. Dining Out 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. 2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as…
Horoscopes for June 15-21, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will try to continue passing the holiday spirit along by whistling carols. Joy will come to an abrupt stop when friends and co-workers Super Glue your lips. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will be approached by the authorities soon for assault with intent to cause internal harm after relatives report you for re-gifting those nasty old fruitcakes. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will emerge from a life-long doubt about the existence of Santa Claus this month. You still didn’t receive any gifts, but your roof is covered in reindeer poop….
No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan
“The trouble with atheism is that it’s unattractive, argumentative, and dead-ended,” said Giles, casting his line into the swollen waters of Oak Creek, which, so far as our luck was concerned, seemed to have washed the fish downstream in the direction of Cornville. “Far be it from me to interrupt a repentant nay-sayer, but aren’t those three troubles?” Giles pulled a wry face. “I’ve made a complete examination of the field of agnoiology—the study of ignorance—and have found you to be a ready specimen. Now, suppose you pretend you’re not the editor of the Doodlebug Run-on—a rag of questionable reputation—and…
Typical Excentric Reader
This month’s typical Excentric Reader is Jay Bloch of Southlake, Texas.When the ice and snow hits northern Texas, everyone takes time out to catch up with the Sedona Excentric, our out-of-state newspaper of preference. Our four-legged family members,Teddy and Daisy, are waiting for their favorite section: Kozmik Korner. We thank Jay for his kind words and picture of him, teddy and Daisy enjoying snow. We wish them and ourselves plenty of rain this coming summer. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader… Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader
ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You will observe that past actions are just now starting to reverberate in your life. It is if you are at the beginning chapter of “When Your Karma Turns To Cacka.” AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will find that when you stir muddy waters, they just get muddier. The same holds true when stirring trouble with extraterrestrials. They get extra terrestrial. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you’ll discover that patience is much more valuable to you than even the best thought-out plan. Unless, of course, you’re BP with duct…
Frankly Fanny by Herself
Dear Frankly: I am having trouble defining the difference between love and lust. My family tells me that I fall for every guy that comes my way. I tell them that I love each man differently. When they ask me what it is about them that I love, I don’t really have much to say. They tell me that it isn’t love, it is lust. I do have relations with them, but that isn’t what makes me love them. I will usually date them for a year or so, then for one reason or another, we split up. Is that…
Bisexual Boyfriend
Dear Frankly, My boyfriend, who I have been dating for three years, has just told me that he is bisexual. He said that he has never told anyone else and has hidden it from me until now. I cried for a week. I have many self-esteem problems already. He also said that if he were in my shoes, he would probably end the relationship. However, he’s glad I haven’t ended it and promises to be true. I am so confused with no one to talk to. What should I do? Confounded Connie Dear Confounded, Well, if that doesn’t beat all….
Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality
A SO SO PIECE So, I’ve a major bone to pick– So fervently, I’m blue! So let me earnestly explain So you’ll know what I do! So what I know I know I hear, So you must hear it too. So let us raise one angry voice So we can act on cue! So, “so” is what this is about! So now you glimpse my view! “So” is an on-air pox to purge So it’s flushed down the loo! “So” starts too many sentences, “So” is a crutch, a glue, “So” messes up…
KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL
Q: I read an article written by an expert on the paranormal where they explained what a ghost might be. According to this person, A ghostly figure can be: a real person; a haunting (an “imprint” of people; a “recording” of sorts); an apparition of the dead; an apparition of the living; a psychic perception; a trick of memory; a trick of perception; a blur brought on by infra-sound; an image caused by phantoms of the brain. How do you know then if you are experiencing a real visitation from someone from the beyond or a trick or brain phantom?…
Sheep Rancher vs BLM . . .
The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look a hunters in Wyoming claiming the Bureau of Land and Management is responsible for reintroducing grey wolves to the area that threaten their livelihood. While protected from hunting in most circumstances, the wolves are generally accepted as nature’s way of thinning out the deer population that, in great numbers, can adversely affect vegetation necessary to the survival of other wildlife. This rancher, subsidized by the government for sheep meat and wool, found a loophole in the laws prohibiting the killing of wolves. It seems there is no specific statute that makes…
More Embarrassing Medical Exams…
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! It seems more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line. Here’s what happened to Kevin: Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to…
Horoscopes for June 8-14, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will take credit this month for a new campaign to promote a popular landmark near your home. Park your car, stop to smell the flowers and kiss our buttes. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will find yourself ambling quite often this month. You’ll lose a few pounds and start a profitable new fitness business, Amble Your Way To Better Health. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a “lost time” episode. You explain that you were abducted by aliens and then returned a day later, but the bartender remembers serving…
Is The Lone Ranger Returning? . . . By Bishop, Excentric Task Force Manager
Give me silence, water, hope Give me struggle, iron, volcanoes Neruda As buzzards circled through the smoke above City Hall, a tourist from Maine mumbled to a lady of the night, “so this is what the end of the world looks like!” “Not so,” reported Josh, an expert member of the legendary, mythical Monkey Wrench Gang, “It’s just Ed. He said he’d come back, some day. He said he would settle for the sedate career, serene and soaring, of the humble turkey buzzard, the only known philosophizing bird.” And what a world he’d come back to, not forgetting Sedona and…
FUN WITH SQUIRRELS . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian
Well, now that the weather’s nicer, I’ve been doing a bunch of porch settin’ (you remember how to do that, don’t you?). After a while things get real quiet out on the porch and if you’re not properly creative, things can actually get to be boring. Now we all know that boring is am awful place to be so it behooves (neat word, huh?) us to find something to do to keep from getting bored. For me the answer turned out to be cats. I’ve got a bunch of cats living on my porch. Based on demonstrated behavior, there will…
Politics For Dummies . . .
Our crack staff takes a look at the political climate of the upcoming U.S. Senate and House races voters will decide on later this year. Usually the candidate with the most money wins. But, this voting cycle is shaping up to possibly upset the odds makers, or king makers. While some candidates profess to desire little government with low taxes and are willing to turn a blind eye to the needy, others demand no government with no taxes and are happy to watch the needy perish. Funny, thinning the herd seems to be more Darwinian than Biblical. It’s just politics….
Emergency Wine . . .
In July, our staff takes a look at the positive effects of red wine on human health and longevity. If test results prove to be true, a new type of business is cropping up all over the country, especially in neighborhoods catering to senior citizens. The convenience of wine delivery along with reducing golf cart accidents adds to its popularity. Related posts: Beating The Walmart Crowd… What’s On Tap . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine Tasting Guy The World’s Most Popular White Wine . . . by Joel Mann Butter and Cream . . . by Joel…
