INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman
WORD FOR WORD NEWS: A Kansas man charged with first-degree murder is afraid the tattooed mirror-image letters spelling out the word “murder” across his neck might prejudice a jury, so he is asking for a professional tattoo artist to remove or cover it up. A tattoo artist was able to remove the tattoo and replace it with the words, “I Did It.” REALLY DAFFY NEWS: A woman visiting her mother in Oregon is suing her neighbor, seeking $275,000 for pain, suffering and other damages she says were inflicted when a pet duck ambushed her for no apparent reason. In her…
Curmudgeon Corner
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: LAWYERS “Lawyers I suppose were children once.” Charles Lamb “The trouble with law is lawyers.” Clarence Darrow “If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers.” Edward F. Halifax “If half the lawyers would become plumbers, two of man’s biggest problems would be solved.” Felton Daivis, Jr. “Anybody who thinks…
Horoscopes for May 18-24, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You will find in May that you can give as good as you get when it comes to ambiguity. If anything, you have mastered the art of vagueness and uncertainty. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will take that ride on the carousel of life to grab the brass ring. Unfortunately, your horse will throw a shoe and toss you off the whirligig, ring-less still. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you will need to be careful to keep your me, me, me impulses in check. If you love something, set…
The Washington Wine Road – Part I. . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine Tasting Guy
I’ve been a fan of the Washington wine scene for a number of years. The quality delivered for the value is exceptional, the choices are extensive, and the character often reminds one of classic old-world wine flavor versus the over-the-top fruity ripeness common to many parts of California. I had the chance to visit Seattle recently on a business trip and took a few extra days afterwards to tour Woodinville. Now, I bring you highlights from my trip through Washington wine country. My last trip to Woodinville was roughly a decade ago. At the time there were basically three tasting…
Getting Old Is Far Better Than The Alternative…
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.” An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to…
Another Big Picture Page
The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at yet another online dating site. Feeling left out, these experienced women are establishing a start-up company to help hook up seniors. Non-discriminating, these gals say the site is open to all creeds, races, ages and sexual orientation. Dating sites already exist for African Americans, Christians, Boomers, serious daters, casual daters, cheaters, farmers, even professionals (whatever that means). However, until now, no one has targeted the long-lived – octogenarians on up – Oldsters.com. If the date ends up with someone spending the night, bed rails can be deployed to prevent accidents requiring…
No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan
Slanting rays of late morning found me seated at my desk at the Doodlebug Island Run-on Newspaper writing a biting editorial about something or other when the front door opened and Matty Bigelow came in. “Shouldn’t you be at your post in the library?” I asked her. “Or you here to remind me of an overdue book?” “Well, now that you bring the matter up, you do have not one but several items overdue, but we’re in no hurry to get them back, not with the promise of a hefty settlement when you get around to returning them. But that’s…
Typical Excentric Reader . . .
This month’s typical Excentric Readers are Len and Olga Ostrom at Buddhist temple in Sri Lanka. they vacationed from February 18 through March 18, 2014. They also traveled to the Taj Mahal in India. In their accompanying note they wrote, “We have been fans of your Sedona Excentric paper for many years. Hope you can use these pictures in a new publication.”Well, Len and Olga, here goes. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader
ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You will enjoy observing the games that other people will be playing. It will be full of low blows and even shocking revelations. Says something about you, huh? AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) This month, you will experience moments of intensity, arguments, cataclysms, followed by rapturous passion and…and…that’s how far I’ve gotten in the book. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You may get something back from the universe when you extend your energy this month. But be careful, it may be in the form of some communicable disease. ARIES (April 18 –…
Frankly Fanny by Herself
Dear Frankly: There is a woman I like, but she has a boyfriend. He plays on a team with me and he and I get along real well. She asked me out and I said that I would go. I asked her about her relationship with her boyfriend. She said it was on again off again and did not know where it was going. I don’t really know what she wants from me. We are from different races but it doesn’t seem to matter to her. I don’t know whether she is serious or not. What should I do? …
Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality
A COMPUTER MADE OF MEAT I have a new obsession which Is old and new and sweet! In fundamental terms it’s my Computer made of meat! Not pork or beef or venison, Although they’re much the same; Not burger, chops or leg of lamb, Although they’re in the game! This meat will solve equations and Forge tactics for my fate; This meat will track dark matter and Can teach me how to skate! This meat will make me giggle and This meat will make me cry; This meat will make me babble and…
KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL
Q: I am curious about ghosts. I believe that some spirits either can’t cross over or, in some cases, take their sweet time doing so. I found a story about a mom that passed and hung around her house to taunt and scare the relatives left behind that moved into her home. There were tales of sightings of feet under an unoccupied door and a voice demanding tea, pounding on walls late at night, and even the relocating of clothing? I can explain away most of the activity as the mom’s entity being ticked off that people couldn’t wait for…
Why Christmas Might Be Cancelled . . .
While going through our email files, we came across this wonderful Christmas photograph of an ordinary American couple and the happy Christmas Chihuahua. We realize we’re either months late or even more months early, but were so impressed by the obvious love for the holiday shown in these wonderful shots that we just couldn’t resist posting them. Sharing special times with pets is important to many people, especially those who consider their pets members of their family. Notice th baby lamb (or goat) on the lap of the woman who appears as though it just wet her skirt. The man’s…
Horoscopes for May 11-17, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You might want to avoid rushing into any big financial deals. Of course, not having any money, poor credit and a shaky job may play into your decisions. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Let your creativity run wild this May and you might just make a couple of new friends along the way. Your sane friends will likely abandon you in a heartbeat. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Misplaced keys? Can’t find your glasses? No idea where your favorite shirt is hiding? It could seem things are topsy-turvy. Or, you could be…
Embarrassing Medical Exams…
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab.” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – and I was in the wrong one. 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient. 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad…
New Addictions Discovered . . . By Bishop, Excentric Therapeutic Consultant
Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life. Burton Hills Truth be told, it is said that in greater Sedona, people are either therapists, former therapists or thinking of going into therapy. Now arriving is a puzzling new strain of emotional emotions, so widespread that self-published, self-help books are even now being created. One need not be a therapist, however, to detect the trend. One can sense the trend almost anywhere, from the markets to the barbershops, from the dry cleaners to post offices and resorts: people have glum looks on their faces. Drivers glower at one…
USELESS BOOKS . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian
I was in the library the other day looking for copies of the latest bestsellers when it occurred to me that there might be something to learn from a list of “worst” sellers. Everybody pays so much attention to what books are popular and why they appeal to the great masses. Shouldn’t it be equally fascinating to learn why some books don’t sell? Always one to look on the unexplored side of things, I took my quest to the head librarian who, obligingly enough, showed me to a room down in the bowels of the building. On the door was…
That Really Bunches My Panties by Brendon Marks
It’s common knowledge that running takes off body fat like a knife. But running is not for everyone. Some people fall into one of the “terrible too’s”: “Too old,” “too wimpy,” “too decrepit,” and have to find an alternative. Biking appears to have gained some followers in recent years. For those contemplating a venture into that exercise arena; I have taken the liberty of doing some research. Making the observation that most bike riders are skinny would lead one to believe that bike riding makes one skinny. Maybe it does, but there are other factors to consider. The design of…
A Deceiving Friendship
Dear Frankly, I was in a relationship that ended a month ago. The cause was her cheating, lying and deceiving me for a long time. I had no idea and it all came as a shock to me. Through all the pain I have suffered, I have really tried to be her friend and understand why she hurt me. But even now it has been me trying to keep contact with her and keep a “friendship” alive. I feel like maybe I’m doing this so that I don’t feel like I wasted over a year with her. Please help. Caring…
Automotive Breakdown by Denny Mandeville
If anyone has visited my shop these past few months they have seen the red 1962 Thunderbird convertible that has resided therein as I have been performing a series of repairs to this car. I have been disturbed to find out I remember far more about this car than I ought to, considering how many years it has been since I actually owned, or worked on, 1960’s cars. As I was doing an initial interview, with the customer, he noted the chrome acorn nuts on the visible head bolts, asking whether this was factory, or add-on? I made the comment…
