Horoscopes for April 27-May 3, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Don’t dwell on obstacles this month. Organize a picnic or a hostile takeover. Better yet, do both. Occupy a park and dominate the neighbors, ants and squirrels. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will find yourself needing to allow some space for natural growth and evolution. You may have to add a couple of notches to your belt or switch to sweats. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Be sure not to stick ideas you come up with this month in the bottom drawer of your desk and forget them, or they’ll be…
INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman
POST OFFICE DELIVERS NEWS: Rev. Rudolph Daniels Sr., of New Jersey,had withdrawn $5000 to give to his children as a late Christmas present. He says he lost the wallet while walking home in a snowstorm. A postal worker found the wallet with the money and Daniels’ identification, and returned to the post office who contacted the reverend. The worker refused a reward. This proves definitively the postal service is not affiliated with the government. ALL GOD’S CHILDREN NEWS: A Catholic priest in Rhode Island was counseling teenagers when he told one he hoped the child rot in Hell. The priest…
Curmudgeon Corner
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: LAUGHTER “By nothing do men show their character more than by the things they laugh at.” Johan Wolfgang Von Goethe “If we may believe our logicians, man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.” Joseph Addison “Man is the only creature endowed with the power of laughter; is he not…
Let The Fests Begin. . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine Tasting Guy
Springtime kicks off the beer festival season in Arizona. It almost marches in lockstep with the words “pitchers and catchers” to open spring training. While some fests may change, there are several throughout the year one can count on. It begins with the Strong Beer Festival which occurred just last weekend as I write this. The Great Arizona Beer Festival is of course the big event during the season, usually in March. When the weather is blazing hot, action shifts to the cool climes of Flagstaff and the summertime Made in the Shade Festival. The year wraps-up come fall down…
They’re Back . . .
Don’t Let The Bed Bugs Bite! Our Excentric Investigative Staff takes a look at the possible consequences of sleeping on someone else’s bed sheets. Take this woman, for example. She was on vacation for the first time in more than a dozen years. While staying in a hostel in Russia during the Olympics, she experienced a bunch of little pricks on her arms and back throughout the night. The bites were so severe that she required emergency care at a hospital. when asked about the conditions of some of the accommodations available during the recent Winter Olympics, acting president of…
Another Big Picture Page
The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at UFOs and the claims of sightings by ordinary people living in and near Sedona, AZ.. Pictured left is Bell Rock, a well known landmark in the Village of Oak Creek some seven miles south of Sedona. For decades, Bell Rock has been believed to be some sort of refueling station for visiting extraterrestrial vessels. Some believe Bell Rock has like a garage underground to repair UFOs. Denny Mandeville, the owner of Canyon Automotive in Sedona, doubts the claims. “We have state of the art equipment here and our training is as…
No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan
It was Friday; I had my feet up and was congratulating myself on having my newspaper, the Doodlebug Island Run-on, ready to go to press when Randolph Spitzenberger dropped by. “Bill, I’ve just had the most paradoxical experience of my life, one with extraordinary implications! I was at Madelyn Fisher’s home examining her collections and overheard a conversation between her and her son Morgan. He asked if there were anything she needed, or if there were anything he could do for her before he left? She pointed to a postcard on the kitchen counter and said, ‘Yes, you can mail…
Typical Excentric Reader
This month’s typical Excentric Readers is Jacob Bloch, pictured on vacation in La Jolla California. He had hoped for an escape from what was supposed to be winter weather, ending up here with his favorite paper. Though we are not sure the exact location Jacob was vacationing from, we get a sense he was escaping from Northern Arizona. We tried a Facebook search for Jacob, but were unable to locate him. We are just happy Jacob took the time to email us his picture and hope he had a great vacation. How bad could it have been? He did, after…
Sedona Senior Olympics
Four Meter Fall Down and Get Up Trials All-U-Can-Eat Light Breakfast Buffet Relay Lazy Boy Recliner Nap Off The Limbo Pole Low Jump Belly-Up-To-The-Bar Shotput Eating, Sleeping and Pill-Taking Triathalon Two Hour Let Your Fingers Do The Walking Phone-Off Back Yard Barbecue Skewer Toss Macarena Marathon Adjusting Your Truss vs. Adjusting Your Trust Bank Vaulting Backing Car Out Of Post Office Parking Lot Contest Hot Tub Water Polo Wine Tasting For Mixed Doubles Synchronized Wading Golf Cart Drag Racing Memory Marathon Jumping While High Automobile Directional Signal Turn-A-Thon Related posts: Sedona Vortex Experiences Retiring in Sedona Sedona Alien Party Cancelled…
Astrology For The Weak
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Your bond with friends and family members will be stretched, but you will inspire people to start being more flexible. Even your pet will give Toga Yoga a try. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) This month, you will find yourself laughing, then weeping, then jumping for joy, then feeling a little melancholy. Get yourself some hormone shots for Pete’s sake. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Some super intense emotions about work, your love life or dearest friend will surface this month. Whoa! What if your work is loving your dearest friend? ARIES…
Frankly Fanny by Herself
Dear Frankly: I am involved with a guy I used to date in high school. He is recently divorced and has three children. I am also divorced with two kids of my own. He loves to talk about his kids. One night while alone he said that I was his first love and he always has loved me. He says he never really loved his ex. He is a good man and cares for the kids while I am at work. He treats me like a queen. I am hoping this love will last. Could he still love me after…
Horoscopes for April 13-19, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Get out there and workout in April. Otherwise, your joints, brain, lungs and heart will start complaining. Remember to shower or everyone around will complain. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Contort yourself into whatever pretzels you comfortably can manage, and you’ll emerge suppler and more successful. You’ll also go great with brown mustard. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your innate sensitivity to what’s happening around you plays a huge role in how you navigate tricky situations. Running, ducking, hiding, lying – all innate. ARIES (April 18 – May 13) You’ll be in…
Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality
THE 500 YEAR OLD WOMAN It could have been a typo, but My screen declared it true: “500 Year Old Women Would Just Love To Dine With You!” Five hundred year old women! Wow! I’ve never dated one! But, dinner conversations might Just turn out to be fun! She might have camped at Jamestown or Baked clams at Plymouth Rock! She might have posed for Rembrandt or Sung lullabies to Bach! She might have dated Jan Vermeer Or eaten Cromwell’s hens! She might have peeked at Richelieu Through Galileo’s lens! But, Thomas…
KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL
Q: It seems that the popularity of True Blood and Vampire Diaries, and especially the enormous success of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series has contributed to the surge of vampire wanna-bees. Groups are forming celebrating with those from the Goth community in an attempt to fulfill some inner spiritual need. Are these people out there drinking blood? A: Personally, I think these people are out there, but basically harmless. Q: I read that different countries have records of wee people existing on their lands. The Irish have leprechauns, Scandinavians have trolls and Icelanders have their elves. Recent sightings by people in…
Online Lying
Dear Frankly, I need some advice. I answered an online personal ad, but lied about a few things–like my age, education, hobbies, weight, job and income level. Now I am supposed to meet this woman for a drink at a local watering hole. We will each be carrying a white rose for identification. This gal sounded so interesting and her profile and pictures looked so good, I just had to meet her. I’m afraid she is going to be disappointed and run out before she gets a chance to find the real me. Misleading Marv Dear Misleading, I’m not sure…
Advertising For Beginners
The Sedona Excentric investigative team looks into advertising practices in some foreign countries. Now that China has determined to move its farmers and ranchers off their land and into apartments built for the masses by the government, other Asian countries are considering becoming less dependent on imports and more self-sufficient at the expense of their citizens’ independence. If these women are to survive as owners of a spare tire company, they need to come up with an advertising plan to attract major auto makers. They make little tires that come with new vehicles – the ones that you should only…
Legal Matters, But So Do Brains
The following 20 questions were asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and in certain cases the responses given by the insightful witnesses as reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association lawyers Journal. 1) “Now Dr., isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?” 2) “The youngest son, the 20-year-old, hold is he?” 3) “Were you present when your picture was taken?” 4) “Were you alone or by yourself?” 5) “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?” 6) “Did he kill you?” 7)…
Quiet Please . . . By Bishop, Special Eccentric Free Lancer
Silence is always there; all we can make is noise. . . . Mother Mirabel Time was that neighing of horses was the loudest noise in old Sedona with the exception of closing time at the old Oak Creek Tavern when publishers and film stars went screaming off into the night. Now it is airplanes which seem to cruise above town, faster and lower and louder, accompanied by helicopters. In the streets to the west of uptown, bellowing Harleys race up and down while autos with out of state plates scrape by one another, often blocking postmen and women from delivering…
ROLLING BLACKOUTS . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian
I just got back from California (birthplace of the rolling blackout). I guess by now you’ve heard about those rolling blackouts. As a member of the original team invited to tour the electricity storage caverns (remember my column on Stale Electricity?), I was recently called upon to tour the California Blackout Factory where these things are manufactured. As you might imagine, these blackout things didn’t just happen by themselves and jump onto the scene. There’s a considerable history of development, which provides a fascinating insight into the origins of this phenomenon. I was surprised to learn the folks who perfected…
That Really Bunches My Panties by Brendon Marks
As I waited my turn at the counter in the bowling alley, I casually watched a young guy behind the counter spray something into each one of the collection of rental shoes that had been returned by previous bowlers. I thought, ‘It’s good they do that. No tellin’ what sort of feet have been in those shoes.’ Then it occurred to me that I really didn’t know what the spray was. It could be a disinfectant or it could be only a deodorant or even just compressed air like you use to blast the toast crumbs out of your computer…
