March 29, 2024

Horoscopes for March 30-April 5, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Early this month, your brain is extremely active and it’s making you very productive and ambitious. Don’t panic, you’ll be back to addled in no time at all. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will find yourself feeling like a surfer navigating waves of emotion. Then it happens – wipe-out! Your emotional house goes under water. File for bankruptcy. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You may sense a person in a position of authority is subtly flirting with you. Then again, you have been adding a lot of leafy greens to your diet. Toothpick? ARIES (April…

Inside The News . . . by David Fidelman

THAT’S A CROC NEWS: Crocodiles, it has been discovered, climb to keep a lookout on their territory and to warm themselves in the sun. They also use sticks and twigs to simulate a nest on their snouts to catch birds. This new discovery will force scientists to renew the way way they make conclusions from extinct files. Some say it may be possible extinct even-toed ungulates actually took to the skies. in layman terms that translates into pigs flying. STUCK UP NEWS: An Oregon man placed an emergency call to 911 to demand immediate assistance. It seems his wife’s jacket…

Let The Fests Begin. . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine Tasting Guy

Springtime kicks off the beer festival season in Arizona. It almost marches in lockstep with the words “pitchers and catchers” to open spring training. While some fests may change, there are several throughout the year one can count on. It begins with the Strong Beer Festival which occurred just last weekend as I write this. The Great Arizona Beer Festival is of course the big event during the season, usually in March. When the weather is blazing hot, action shifts to the cool climes of Flagstaff and the summertime Made in the Shade Festival. The year wraps-up come fall down…

Increase the Minimum Wage!

Our Excentric Investigative Staff take a look  at the reasoning behind keeping the minimum wage at or below poverty level. While the richest 1% of wage earners in the United States had massive increases in their salaries and bonuses, the rest of the country has experienced stagnating incomes. Meanwhile, costs of everything from milk and bread to veggies and meat. While shopping, our staff noticed that companies who seemed to keep their products at or near the same prices of recent years past are offering smaller amounts in smaller in smaller containers, thereby tricking the average buyer  and keeping them…

Bullying in the Animal Kingdom

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at bullying. For centuries, humans have been known to pick on the most vulnerable. Often, a crowd would gather to encourage the stronger person to tease, taunt and sometimes physically attack an inferior person often unable to defend themselves. Whether it was stealing someone’s lunch money or giving them a wedgy, it was meant to humiliate and hurt. Now, with social media, people are using computers and cell phones to harass, embarrass, and mentally scar others to make themselves seem more powerful. Once thought limited to humans, bullying now has been observed…

Typical Excentric Reader

This month’s typical Excentric Readers are Drew and Arie Smith of Fort Worth, TX visiting San Antonio for a weekend, shown here in front of the Mission San Antonio de Valero with their Excentric. Roughly 200 Texan defenders fought courageously here, but eventually succumbed to 1500 soldiers from the Mexican Army. Their bravery inspired other Texans, and 6 weeks later, the Mexican Army was defeated at the Battle of San Jacinto, thereby ending the revolution.  While the Alamo has served as a variety of purposes, such as a church, school, hospital, etc., and even  the alleged location of Pee Wee…

Astrology For The Weak

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You will have an epiphany and look for good deeds to perform this month. After all, a look at your past reveals that your karma needs a boost – and how! AQUARIUS (February 16 – March  11) For some reason, you will feel lazy and lethargic on weekdays this month, but find yourself rejuvenated over the weekends. Your employer has the same concerns. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you will decide to travel, only to find you are on the no-fly, no-train, no-bus, no-rental car, no-hitchhiking terrorist list. Bust out the…

Frankly Fanny . . . by Herself

Dear Frankly: I have been married for more than 10 years now. We have both been faithful, but my husband recently bought some cologne with pheromones in it to  see if it would attract women. He said it’s more of an experiment to see if it really works. He also said it would be nice to have women look twice at him. It would make him feel attractive. I am worried he no longer finds me attractive and is getting a roving eye. Should I be concerned about this?       Faithful Felicia Dear Faithful: You’ve got to be kidding me….

Diagnosable . . . by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

               DIAGNOSABLE I took a short vacation to    A warm and gentle clime To catch up on my reading ‘cuz    I never find the time. I read The Book of Mormon and    I read the Bible, too, The Torah and the Talmud and    I realized the author was The same guy in all four–    Not only that, He wrote them while    Cross-legged, on the floor, Without a single laptop or    A smart-phone or a pen, And, in an instant, all at once,    Which underscores, again, That God is truly gifted and   …

Horoscopes for March 16-22, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) A bunch of planets move through Pluto, influencing you to expand your view of the world and your place in it. Unfortunately, you will also expand your waistline. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) The celestial atmosphere encourages you to actively pursue someone altogether eligible. That’s good, because you usually pursue those altogether ineligible. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You usually think you’re right, but you can be wrong, of course. Much like this astrological forecast. The month of March will the best of your entire life. Or not. ARIES (April 18 –…

Kozmik Korner . . . by Lush Gumball

Q:  I read about a family in Israel, near the Lebanon border that houses a statue of the Virgin Mary that weeps oil. Neighbors from miles are said to have been flocking to the home. Once wiped down, the statue seems to immediately show signs of moisture. one woman even said the statue spoke to her. So many times, these claims have turned out to be hoaxes. Could this be the real thing? A: Possibly. I wonder if it’s olive oil. Q: I heard about yet another Bigfoot sighting. This time by a couple in Potter County, Pennsylvania. They describe…

Spilled Milk

Dear Frankly, I have really gotten myself into a quandary. About a year ago I went to a bar with some girlfriends. I danced with a guy and had a great time. I started going back to the bar by myself to see if he was there. He was. After a couple of weeks he and I started doing more than just dancing. Months later, we agreed to put our relationship on ice. How do I get over an affair I should not have had in the first place? He and I are both married. I run into him all…

First Do No Harm?

The Sedona Excentric investigative team looks into the growing obsession people are having with enhancing their appearance.  While the gentleman pictured on the right may seem to have been a bit excessive with his piercings, the lady pictured on the left may have gone a bit too far while seeking to augment her bust line. As far as the potential harm they may be bringing to themselves with these attempts to garner attention. the man could have his entire face ripped off if he walked under an industrial magnet or, suffer from radiation exposure if he ever needed dental x-rays….

You Know You’re Finally a Sedonan When: by J.C. Brookwood

Anatomically correct dolls don’t resemble any of your body parts. Your neighbors get frightened when they see you naked. You realize, too late, that your entire life has been based on a true story. You join a movement to get drugs off the street and back into the medicine cabinets where they belong. Your sunscreen nearly doubles your body weight. Some people think you are a large Shar-Pei. You go to an antique auction and someone bids on you. Your leg of lamb has a hip replacement. You have to wear pants with air bags to protect yourself. Your belt…

Horoscopes for March 9-15, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Mars quincunx Pluto and Saturn squares Pluto, bringing some tension to the areas of your chart of finances. Since Pluto is officially no longer a planet, no biggee. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) In March, it may seem the world is moving too quickly for you and you may secretly have to make concessions. You just might bring honor back to fast food. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) By nature, relationships cause new feelings and sometimes present challenges in understanding. This month you’ll try to understand why you have no relationship. CANCER (June…

A Whiskey-Golden Time . . . By Bishop, Special Eccentric Excentric

As soon as I enter the door of a tavern, I experience oblivion of care, and a freedom from concern…there is nothing which has yet to be contrived by man, by which so much happiness is produced by a good tavern.                           Samuel Johnson, London, 1777  The news spread faster than a Tea Party Lie. In legendary London, and in villages nearby, 7000 pubs are being closed—forever leaving local quaffers and boozers to face a dreaded, dryer future: No local community gathering place to have a nip, hear the gossip and bet a bit on Cricket. Longtime Sedonans know that…

Experience

Have you noticed lately that everyone wants you to have an “Experience?” Turn on your TV and you’ll hear car dealers talking about your buying experience or your ownership experience or how nice your maintenance experience will be. The lawn mower guys want me to have the Dixon ZTR experience. We can now have a dining experience, driving experience, a vacation experience, a shopping experience, or if we buy the right organic foods, a Wellness Experience! Whatever happened to good old-fashioned experience – the stuff you had to have to land a job; the stuff you needed to succeed in…

The Barely Mobile Homes

The next time you come up behind one of those lumbering giants called an RV on the road between Wickenburg and Wikieup here are some things to think about as you crawl along, waiting for the next passing zone. Did you ever notice that you never catch up to one when the road is straight and flat? It’s always when the road is so steep and crooked that you can almost read your own back license plate, and the passing zones contain only two dashes. You creep up, trying not to think about dodging the avalanche of aluminum folding chairs…

Automotive Breakdown

“What does that little light mean?” or similar questions are fielded each day by repair shops all over the nation. It stems from a combination of two things; some engineer’s idea of a cute pictograph and/or the least read book in the world- the owner’s manual. Last year Insurance.com commissioned a survey of 2000 drivers 18 years old and older asking the drivers to identify ten instrument panel warning lights. Here is a sample of the list with the percentage of incorrect guesses because the driver did not understand what was trying to be conveyed: Tire Pressure Monitoring (TPM)-49% Brake…

The Joy of Easter?

Our crack staff takes a look at the celebration of Easter. Like many holidays that started out as Pagan rituals then turned into Holy Days and then were hijacked by corporations, Easter is currently known in the United States for egg hunts, candy-filled baskets, lilies, cards and visits with a giant bunny. The word Easter is derived from another language meaning Passover. Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection occurred after he went to Jerusalem to celebrate Passover (or Pesach in Hebrew), the Jewish festival commemorating the ancient Israelites’ exodus from slavery in Egypt. Somehow, between then and now, marshmallow chicks, jelly beans…