March 28, 2024

Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: CHRISTMAS “Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” Stephen Fry “The Christmas spirit is not what you drink.” Jethro Tull “The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.” Randi “Christmas,…

No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan

Christmas on Doodlebug Island got off to a promising start this year when Gustave Fleming began decorating his store—Gustave’s Candy Kitchen—with lights, ribbons, ornaments, figures, tinsel, and wreathes in honor of the season. No religious recognition this! All was fantasy, and his plan was that he would be the center of it! He looked forward to the day before Christmas when he would sit ensconced in a wicker chair surrounded by figures of elves and gnomes, dispensing candy canes and other confections to passers-by and ho-hoing in tones loud enough to be heard a block away. He rather figured that…

Astrology For The Weak

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You start the new year in need of some down time to think things through. However, your boss thinks that 6 weeks off might be stretching it just a bit. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March  11) You will charm someone out of a bad mood with a razzle-dazzle tap dance, only to slip and fall, hurting your back and sue them for pain and suffering and stuff. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you may find yourself in deep reflection on the how and when and where and why of earthly existence….

Frankly Fanny, by Herself

Dear Frankly: I’m a college student and I’ve lived with my boyfriend for 3 years. I have decided to move home for the summer and live elsewhere when school begins next semester. I am breaking this off because we just are not getting along. The problem is he owes me about $1000.00 in back rent and loans. I have stuck around because I knew that if I left he’d never repay me. I still love him but he is no good for me. I want my money back but I need out of this relationship. Can you please help me?…

Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

      DOGGY MEMOIR Since everyone is doing it,    It shouldn’t be a shock. He told me just last Saturday    When we were on our walk. He looked up from his leash and said,    “My memoir’s in the works! Don’t worry, as my owner, you’ll    Get wealthy on the perks!” I looked at him askance and said,    “The fleas have got your brain. Just who would read a memoir by    A dog who’s not known pain?” “My pain is in my doggy eyes,”    He barked.  “I make it up! Americans buy titles, dude!   …

Up, Up and Crochet

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at the new phalanx of unassuming super heroes. You never know where they or what their super power is. At first glance one would think that these are just a group of everyday commuters on their way to or from work. But among these subway riders sits a very powerful crime fighter. He is known simply as Knitting Dude. His side kicks are called the Knit Wits. Don’t take his colorful hand-made outfit as a sign of weakness or sensitivity. When he spots trouble, he leaps into action with knitting needles in…

KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q:  I was reading an article recently that listed signs that your house may be haunted. They included things like unexplainable noises, doors and drawers opening and closing, lights turning off and on, items disappearing and reappearing, seeing shadowy figures and the such. While many odd happenings in and around a house can be explained or easily dismissed, there are those events that just make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. Do you believe that people or buildings can be haunted? A: People no, structures yes. People don’t get haunted, they get possessed. At least that…

Horoscopes for January 19-25, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You’ve built up a lot of good karma over the past year, but you can’t stand around waiting for the big payback to come. What about all the years you screwed up? AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You’ll encounter two challenging aspects causing you to counter the urge to make a mad dash into the sunlight. Good thing, because there was a big tree in the way. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Competition can be extremely motivating for you this month. After conquering your visiting nieces and nephews on wii bowling, you’re…

How Did You Ho, Ho Ho?

The Sedona Excentric investigative team looks into the recent public debate on the race or skin color of the popular Christmas Holiday figure known as Sant Claus, a.k.a. Kris Kringle, St. Nicholas and Father Christmas. Here’s a description attributed to someone who made an offering to Wikipedia, “Santa Claus is generally depicted as a portly, joyous, white-bearded man – sometimes with spectacles – wearing a red coat with white collar and cuffs, white – cuffed red trousers, and black leather belt and boots and carries a bag full of gifts for children. ” Nowhere in there was a mention of…

Italian Bubbles . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine Tasting Guy

The holiday months from Halloween through Valentine’s Day and to a lesser extent Easter are prime seasons for sparkling wines. The last few years have witnessed the rise in popularity of one sparkler in particular, Italian Prosecco. The combination of improved quality, value for the price, and savvy marketing have positioned this wine style as the latest trend in many consumers drinking choices. So to toast a new year, I’ll delve a little deeper into the world of Prosecco. Prosecco hails from the Trieste region of Italy in the far northeast of the country along the Alpine borders of Austria…

Top Morons, in case you missed it

1. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence. 2. Police in Oakland, CA , spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ‘Please come out and give yourself up.’ 3. An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein…

Mid-life For Women, from a female friend

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.   In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around. Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless. Mid-life is when…

A new breed of young humans has been classified. They are referred to as “homoslackass-erectus” created by natural genetic evolution through constant spineless posturing, spasmatic upper limb gestures and crotch grabbing, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and the inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. Related posts: Curmudgeon Corner Teamwork

Neighbors & Other Ironies, by Bishop

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive. – Robert Heinlein Now we know, with John Keats that there is no point in waiting for warm days, now comes a dose of reality as the New Year dawns. Don’t look now, gentle reader, but you, we, every Tom Dick and Harry are knee deep in irony, otherwise called incongruities. Consider the principal threats to a healthy community, namely our own. Some say it’s the tree huggers, others cite liberals or Tea party strategists, or ex- Stalinists or uninformed, vision-less mayors. Truth be known the…

A Need for Accuracy

I’m a stickler for accuracy. More so in others than in myself, but that’s beside the point. “Close enough for government work” is a phrase that should be stricken from the books of cliches. During a drive on I-17 to Flagstaff, I noticed some inaccuracies I feel is my duty to bring to someone’s attention. The green signs with white letters and the blue signs with white letters were reasonably accurate, but the yellow ones with black letters need some work. The first sign that caught my attention was one that said, “Watch for Elk Next 30 Miles.” I glanced…

Tools . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

Sooner or later any bunch of guys hanging around together will get to talking about tools.Tools are one of the great defining essences of Guy-ness. Just as Gals are defined by cosmetics, clothing, soap operas, and babies, Guys are defined by cars and trucks and sports and TOOLS. I was in the new Ace hardware store the other day and saw a perfect demonstration of this. Up by the cash register was a bevy of gals oohing and aahing over a new baby some woman had brought in to show off. At the same time, back in the rental department…

Horoscopes for January 12-18, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Mercury comes out of retrograde, you may become uninhibited, a bit extraverted and even a slight introspective, an antithesis to the regular abnormality of life. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Think carefully before taking a walk on the wild side. You might encounter lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Or maybe coyotes and bobcats and rattlers, oh my. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This January 1st, you have decided on the very best New Year’s Resolution ever! Remember, don’t tell anyone what it is or you may jinx it from happening. CANCER…

Back To the Future, Part I

Back to the Future, part whatever.  Do you remember back to the 50s and/or 60s, reading about the future of the automobile, especially in Popular Mechanics? According to the predictions the driver’s only function would be to get the family car from the driveway to the main street, then sensors imbedded in the highway would take over allowing the driver to shave, take a shower, play cards with the passengers, or whatever else the driver fancied requiring no attention to the actual driving (not that that is much different from today). The car, and road, of the future would keep…

The Government, Part Whatever, II

Our crack staff takes a look at the results of the delaying of the passing of a Farm Bill. In certain sections of the country, cattle are committing suicide by leaping off mountain edges onto oncoming traffic. Some animal psychologists are attributing the recent bovine headers to a depression brought on from misplaced guilt over transfat. Feeling responsible for the obesity rate in America and the rise of heart attacks and diabetes among young adults, cattle have taken to making themselves inedible by becoming road kill. At first they tried walking into traffic against the lights and not a crosswalks….

LOCAL VOWS TO END STUPID!

Pictured is a man defending his right to the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. While no one denied his right – it was in published after all – the television station who suspended him was denied their right to freely hire and fire. Besides the “bestiality” reference; he said about blacks in the Jim Crow lynching party era, “Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.” Makes one wonder why there isn’t a reality show called “Cotton Pickin’ Dynasty” starring a rich, singing, happy, black family from Jim Crow’s…