March 28, 2024

Horoscopes for December 29, 2013 – January 4, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) It could be you were born with the words ‘if merely human, do not approach’ etched on your aura. You also probably celebrated Chrsitmukkah. Oye Ho Ho. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You want to visit some exotic land for the holidays but can’t afford it. You’ll rent a foreign flick with subtitles, drink hot Chai latte and eat Bon Bons. Close enough. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You’ ll decide to take up with a new peer-group – the kind that’s into a spiritual, religious or metaphysical cause. It’s a good thing…

No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan

“Now, you stay with the car, dear, and do stop mumbling. I’m not listening to you, but people passing by will want to hear you speaking up brightly as if you had something interesting to say. I’ll just be a few minutes in the bookstore; then you can drive me to the dry cleaners, grocery, and to my sister’s house for lunch. And do sit up, dear, people dislike seeing someone slouched down at the wheel. It conveys an attitude of sloth or the possible after effects of drink. Ta ta!” Already seated rigidly upright and braced in the family’s…

Frankly Fanny by Herself

Dear Frankly: I’ve been divorced from my ex-wife for nearly twelve years. Over the last five years or so, I have grown fond of, and enjoy the relationship I have formed with her cousin. We are very much in love, but, she feels uncomfortable because we are still cousins by my previous marriage and she is still related to my children. I am too emotionally invested to just be friends with her. I am in love. Am I doing the right thing by pursuing this affair?      Stumped Steven Dear Stumped: Love is love. If you were in the deep…

Patti’s Cranberry Relish…by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

 Patti’s Cranberry Relish Take two full bags of Cranberries    And cover to their top With Apple-Pomegranate Juice    And simmer ’til they pop! Now, measure out a full cup each     Of Pomegranate Beads, Chopped Walnuts and White Sugar and    Blackberries, crushed to seeds. Together with a pinch of Salt,     Dump all that in the pot And reheat to a gentle boil!    Be careful!  This is hot! Then, core and peel two Granny Smiths    And chop to half-inch chunks, Then stir them in and turn it off!    This under-cooks those lunks! Let stand until…

KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q:  I read a story about a single dad who lived with a young son in a very old house. One night, his son was confronted by a bald, old, male ghost who waved his fingers on either side of his head and stuck out his tongue. While the boy was shaken, he chalked it up to be tired, as it happened late at night. When the father had a similar experience, he sent his son to visit friends and prayed for the spirit to leave. According to the man, his home soon felt lighter. Can prayer actually convince a…

New Millenium Santa Sleigh

The Sedona Excentric takes a big picture look at the new millennium Santa sleigh. For eons, the jolly old soul in the big red suit climbed aboard a sled filled with presents for all the good little girls and boys and shouted to a team of nine reindeer. Upon his command to Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen, and of course Rudolph, who was added in 1939 due to increased smog levels by industrial plants. Rumor has it that Rudolph was originally to be called Rollo or Reginald. Can you imagine? Today, Santa Clause clones sit…

Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever, by popular demnad

The Excentric continues its tradition of publishing Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever! She originally submitted this recipe in 1991. For years it has been written in near its original form. Here’s what you’ll need: 1 or 2 quarts Rum 1 stick butter 1 cup sugar 2 large eggs ¼ cup brown sugar 1 cup dried fruit ¼ cup chopped nuts 1 tsp baking powder 1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp lemon juice Before you start, sample the Rum to check for quality. Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring spoons and cup, mixer and un-greased baking sheet,…

Heavy Dose of Notoriety

Snow was gently mantling the pines and oak trees of Doodlebug Island when I returned recently from Washington, D.C. The icy water of Oak Creek murmured a gentle welcome as it made its way through the salt grass and holly bushes lining the banks. Nothing seemed to intrude on the quiet, peaceful reverence that gathered in the glades and rocky outcrops. “Home, at last!” I thought with happy contemplation, “And may the devil take me if either fame or notoriety is ever welcome at my door again!” For it was at the behest of those lusty twins that I had…

Horoscopes for December 15-21, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You want to visit some exotic land for the holidays but can’t afford it. You’ll rent a foreign flick with subtitles, drink hot Chai latte and eat Bon Bons. Close enough. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ ll decide to take up with a new peer-group – the kind that’s into a spiritual, religious or metaphysical cause. It’s a good thing you’re used to sleeping alone. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You can talk your way out of almost any situation that arises this month. The only quandary that perplexes Gemini is re-gifting some of your…

Are Political Labels Extinct?. . . By Bishop, Home For The Holidays Reporter

In politics absurdity is not a handicap – Napoleon  In his cups, Doug Rigby, an author in Sedona’s early days, before all the experts in planning and parking arrived, loved to talk. In particular, he loved to tell visitors at the Rainbow Inn saloon that Earth, with all its wars, tyrants, dictators, half-wit politicians, crooks and gamblers, battle-hungry generals was here for the simple reason that the Gods needed something to amuse them, so easily bored they get, from time to time. Indeed, with all the cutting and running nowadays in Washington where Nixon, a conservative,  is now being as…

Typical Excentric Reader

This month’s typical Excentric Reader Ernie, (last name withheld for reasons unknown) who lives in the Village of Oak Creek, some nine miles south of Sedona. He sent this picture of the Atomium structure while vacationing in Brussels, Belgium.  The Atomium was constructed as an exhibition for the 1958 Worlds Exposition. Ernie was at that original Exposition and recently decided to return for a visit some 55 years later.  It was still there – an amazing sight! Especially from the windows at the uppermost sphere. Ernie always takes his favorite newspaper on his trips to keep up with important happenings…

A Holiday Survivor by Brendon Marks

Well, I survived another holiday shopping season. Each year I am more convinced than ever that it will be my last. Somehow, some way, I am sure that I will die of an overdose of holiday-ness. As each year passes, the odds increase dramatically, and yet I take no special joy in the fact I may be proven correct. When a man wakes up on December 15th it is comparable to waking up in the center of a minefield with a 300-foot radius. He has two chances of escaping without suffering death or bodily injury. slim and none. In the…

The State of Television Programs

Dear Sister, I am told that over there in poor old Blighty, your television programs are getting worse and worse, approaching a state of utter disaster. Well, I have news for you; here in this truly terrific Colony of Arizona, surely dear King George’s most delightful Overseas Property, television has fallen into the dilapidated hands of obstreperous clowns who seem to be determined to ensure that even the best programs–and there are many good ones–should never actually be enjoyed to the full, which is to say that in these idiots’ opinion, the viewer simply must have extra little tid-bits snuck…

Inside The News . . . by David Fidelman

BOMB SCARE NEWS: A burrito caused a minor scare at an Oklahoma City police briefing station after a man brought the foil-wrapped object in for analysis. After the bomb squad inspected a thermos with protruding foil some idiot bought to the police station, it was cleared and declared a burrito. Many locals still considered rit dangerous, relating experiences they have had after consuming one of those burritos. FOR WHOM THE BILL TOLLS NEWS: A Virginia man recently received a summons to appear in court to face charges of unpaid toll charges and failure to secure an EZPass. According to the…

Automotive Breakdown… by Denny Mandeville, Owner/Canyon Automotive, Sedona

“Maintenance Free”, another way of saying “pay me now, or pay me later”. Maintenance free is also another term for deferred replacement, and as many of us have found out, later is often more expensive and inconvenient. In the effort to make automobile ownership more attractive the manufacturers are trying to sell convenience by reducing the amount of time a new car owner is going to be separated from the car- at least through the warranty period. By using such methods as the “change oil” light in the driver information screen, the manufacturers are removing the owner from the responsibility…

Horoscopes for December 8-14, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you might be offered a significant amount of money from an older person. Get everything in writing, but first close your eyes and imagine prunes. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This holiday season finds you caroling, decorating and eating figgy pudding. For your health and relationships, you stop short of the traditional fruitcake. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Tenderness and smooth talking may be helpful in avoiding a fight during your big holiday meal. If this fails, grab the mashed potatoes. They spray when tossed. CANCER (June 21 – July 22)…

Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: OPINIONS “Ten gods cannot change the opinion of one fool, especially if another fool agrees with him.” Abraham Miller “There is nothing in the world so easy as giving an opinion; consequently, in general, there are few things so utterly valueless.” Charles William Day “At any given moment, public opinion is a chaos of…

Directions from the U.S. Government

Our crack staff takes a look at the results of the Government Sequester. Claiming to save large sums of money spent of projects that would provide jobs and income to the nation, elected officials have managed to put the most industrialized country in the world on hold. It’s not only kept people from finding employment repairing our dilapidated road system, including bridges near collapse and archaic railways and landing strips, but it’s kept the people who would be at these new jobs from spending money at other businesses, improving their living situations. Now, due to budget cuts, those who have…

What’s On Tap . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine Tasting Guy

Over the years, one of the traditional benefits of beer versus wine during an evening out is the freshness of beer served from draft keg systems. Wine by the glass on the other hand was usually poured from the bottle, and chances were that bottle remained open for several days, resulting in wine of less than optimum quality. A positive trend has hit the wine industry of late though as the bar and restaurant business discovered the magic of kegged wine. Numerous bars now have a dedicated bank of taps just for wines by the glass, and many wineries are…

Misbehave in Quickness, Regret in Leisure

Astute readers of this column will remember that in a ceremony held a year ago I was voted Liar of the Year, a dubious honor I neither sought nor coveted. It was presented to me for a favorable biography I wrote and published of an unsavory old reprobate who had the good fortune to have a well-heeled nephew who wanted to enhance his family image about the time I was in need of a little ready cash. Reprobate himself had expired ten years earlier, so I took a chance that memories of the old villain had sufficiently faded, and I…