INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman
BISHOP TAKES CASTLE NEWS: Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst of Limburg in western Germany has stirred anger and calls for his resignation. It seems the clergyman built a $42 million palace to reside in, complete with a $20,000 bathroom. If ousted by the Catholic Church, Tebartz-van Elst revealed his future plans to relocate and run for Congress in the United States. It seems he has met the preliminary required qualifications. TASTY AMPHIBIAN NEWS: Natural History Museum and University College, London, researchers expressed excitement over a dig where a new discovery suggests prehistoric Britons may have had a taste for toad. Many…
Climate Change? What Climate Change?
The Sedona Excentric Special Task Force investigates the myth that global climate change is related to human behavior. It may be a fact accepted by left-wing group, National Aeronautics and Space Administration and by 90% of scientists and climatologists in independent scientific surveys, but doesn’t make it so. Years ago, people thought the Earth was flat and the Sun revolved around the Earth. they were eventually proven wrong. Some people believe that if we survive the next 1,000 years,we will be able to prove that cow and termite flatulence caused the Antarctic ice to melt and the seas to rise…
No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan
The conviviality at Barney’s Pub and Suds had nearly reached its zenith when Frank Turpin asked Amos Baker how he accounted for the rise of the tea party movement? Actually, he inserted a pejorative before the words ‘tea party,’ which described his own opinion of a group he obviously disdained. “Well,” began Amos amidst the groans of his table mates who knew that when he began with the word ‘well,’ a sizeable lecture might normally follow. In this case, however, he surprised them. “It’s caused by the same strain of virus that infects many mothers-in-law.” “That’s ridiculous,” replied Frank, busily…
What’s In A Name? – Evidently Everything! by Brendon Marks
I saw a recent newspaper headline that blared, “Cardinals Come From Behind to Beat Eagles.” I just had to investigate, because with my admittedly limited knowledge of birds, even if the cardinals did attack from behind, I would have put my money on the eagles. Then I realized the headline was referring to a football game. Why do we have to name our sports teams? I realize that being called the Phoenix or Philadelphia Footballers might not have much popular appeal, but why the Cardinals? Or for that matter, why the Eagles–or anything? Even though there are cardinals and diamondbacks…
Divorce … Cornville Style
Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at Divorce… Cornville Style. This is what the owner of the red Corvette came home to after a weekend of “fishing with the buddies.” As he entered the house, he found a note on the dining table from his wife. In it, she apologized for accidentally hitting the gas peddle instead of the brake on their high-riding 4X4 pickup upon returning from the post office. After crashing through the garage door, the truck proceeded to continue in a forward direction, climbing over the new Corvette before settling with the pickup’s rear wheels…
Typical Excentric Reader
This month’s typical Excentric Reader Colonel One Eye, shown here with two eyes. Colonel One Eye can be seen along AZ highways throughout the year watching over Verde Valley youth picking up trash left by litterers while participating in Folksville USA – a virtual anti-litter town organized by Gary Chamberlain, a member of American Legion Post 135 in Cornville, AZ. A program called Bag Ready Jobs empowers youth groups to develop personal and civic responsibilities, fund raise, and keep America beautiful. It would seem Colonel One Eye had both eyes working when he read a copy of the Excentric, freaking…
Gideon Goes to the Dark Side . . . by Gideon Noire
“Farewell has a sweet sound of reluctance. Good-by is short and final, a word with teeth sharp to bite through the string that ties past to the future.” John Steinbeck “It’s the emptiest and yet the fullest of all human messages: ‘Good-bye.” Kurt Vonnegut “Sleep tight, ya morons!” J.D. Salinger All great writers have dealt with the sadness of saying good bye. Even the greatest of them all, the late Bill Shakespeare, took a swing at it (“Parting is such sweet sorrow”). The fact is, when it comes your time—when it’s your turn to ride off into the sunset—there is…
Horoscopes for November 24-30, 2013
Related posts: Horoscopes for November 3-9, 2013 Horoscopes for November 10-16, 2013 Horoscopes for November 17-23, 2013 Horoscopes for October 27-November 2, 2013
Frankly Fanny by Herself
Dear Frankly: I was dating the same guy for 4 years. He meant absolutely everything to me, and we’ve done a lot together, college, camp counselors, taken wonderful vacations. I was so in love. We even planned to be married. In the past few months, he’s left me feeling neglected. He stopped doing all the romantic things he used to do. We decided to take a break. I am seeing someone who I know likes me and I’m definitely interested. Am I doing the right thing? Bewildered Barbara Dear Bewildered: People shouldn’t invite you expecting a gift. But if…
Astrology for the Weak December 21-27, 2014
Related posts: ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK What’s Your Sign? Astrology for the Weak June 23-29, 2013 Astrology For The Weak Horoscopes for December 2-8, 2012
Automotive Breakdown
Apologies to the old Buick ad; “this isn’t your father’s fan belt”. The venerable old V-belt has been long gone and in its place is a ribbed flat belt often called a ‘serpentine belt’. These ribbed flat belts often use both sides of the belt to drive the engine accessories as they wrap and snake around the pulleys they drive. They are longer lasting, and use less horsepower to drive the accessories we have all gotten quite used to; power steering, air conditioning, and the ever important alternator. Water pumps are often, but not always, driven by the timing belt….
Movie Quotes . . .
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: QUOTES FROM MOVIES “How am I not myself?” I Heart Huckabees “My life is as good as an Abba song. It’s as good as Dancing Queen.” Muriel’s Wedding “I’ll sleep with you for a meatball.” Victor/Victoria “Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster by your side, kid.” Star Wars…
Carpet Mill, by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality
Long, long before all videos Went viral, to a flaw, There was an old time “movie short” That everybody saw. It showed a huge contraption in A carpet making mill, And, up above, a catwalk where A worker took a spill And fell into the workings where It gobbled up his hide And wove him into throw rugs where He peered out, stupefied! I thought it was a lesson in How not to live a life– A sort of cautionary tale To save us pain and strife. In other words, the movie…
Kozmik Korner by Lush Gumball
Q: I read another story about teenage girls and a Ouija board. This one revealed the spirit behind the pointer spoke in complete paragraphs and confessed to a murder suicide. It also tricked the girls into believing it was someone else and gaining their support for that rival character. Have you had anyone write with a positive story regarding the use of a Ouija board? It seems all I read about are horror stories. Why is that? A: I don’t control what you read. Perhaps you could hunt down positive stories and start a website: HappyOuijaStories.com. Q: Okay. Every…
Automotive Breakdown… by Denny Mandeville, Owner/Canyon Automotive, Sedona
Purchasing tires is a no brainer, and about as much fun as going to the dentist, but before you go, here are some hints and rules. With the popularity of AWD (all wheel drive) SUV’s, cars, and pickups there is a hard fast rule the salesman seldom tells the new owner- you have to replace your tires in sets of 4. The AWD feature has separate differentials, one of which is in the transmission, and an odd tire can overheat and ruin this component $$$$$. Different brand tires, while having the same size printed on the sidewall, are not all…
Horoscopes for November 17-23, 2013
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) There is a whole lot of excitement happening in your life in November. Or, perhaps there’s emotional turmoil in your immediate vicinity. Hard to tell which. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You need a party, even if you have to throw one yourself. Your social energy is great and you need others to help you develop your little inner party self. Yippee. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) If you’re going out on the town this month, try a lecture, art event or the theater. Not that this is your kind of entertainment,…
Teamwork
The Sedona Excentric investigative team looks into the behavioral habits of animals and how they work in tandem to accomplish a common goal. At left, a couple of kittens appear to be trying to get into a baseball park to watch a game being played at home. Perhaps they dropped their tickets in their litter box and couldn’t find them after covering them. Or, maybe they just couldn’t afford the game, what with the rising cost of tickets, hotdogs, popcorn and beer. Even if just one of them gains entry, a play by play report can be given much like…
“Prove” It . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine Tasting Guy
We presently enjoy a well regulated consumer goods market where manufacturers are required to truthfully label the contents within the package. Producers are not allowed to make a claim that something contains X, when it in fact contains Y. That hasn’t always been the case. Alcoholic spirits pose a challenge in distinguishing relative volumes of ethanol to water as both liquids are clear with a fairly neutral flavor profile that does not allow one to distinguish perceptible differences as concentrations of ethanol versus water increase or decrease. The flavor profile and physical properties of a spirit will change significantly over…
Hair Removal For Beginners, from a friend of a facebook friend
My night began as any normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’ So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull…
Sedona Vortex Experiences
You go back in time to when Sedona was first discovered, but still forget to invest in real estate. You win the lottery and donate it all to a self-appointed guru claiming to be the second, or third, coming. You now belch fairy dust. You see UFOs flashing subliminal messages for Hummers. Your front lawn is now covered with grass crop circles. You now have the ability to communicate with rocks. Your inner child is acting up a lot more and needs a time-out. You developed a desire to eat low carb, “naturally,” foraging the woods for edible plants, lean…
