How I Spent My Summer Vacation . . . by Gideon Noire
It is entirely possible, given the number of cheesy photographs my publisher, Sir Willy Rudolph, has run of honeymoon couples on the French Riviera, retired postal workers in cheap shirts and pressed Bermuda shorts, and rebel tourists lurking about that crumbling seawall in Havana—all sporting a broad smile and a prominently displayed copy of this esteemed publication—to suspect that as you read this column, that some of you, at least, are on summer vacation. Am I right? I knew it. I can see your smiles. I can see last month’s issue. Summer vacation is a subject that is near and…
Curmudgeon Corner
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: EVOLUTION “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” Milton Berle “Essential to the theory of evolution is the premise that everything has come into being by itself.” Walter Lang “I was taught that the human brain was the crowning glory of evolution so far, but I think it’s a very…
INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman
DOGGIE OVERBOARD NEWS: A couple found their yacht sinking after it hit a reef while on a voyage from East London to Madagascar. The man, a longtime volunteer with the National Sea Rescue Institute first swam his dog ashore safely before returning for his wife, whose safety line had snagged on the steering gear. The couple and their dog all made it out free of injury. Perhaps dogs really are man’s best friend after all. WHERE’S THE BEEF NEWS: The world’s first laboratory-grown beef burger, grown in-vitro from cattle stem cells in a five-year science experiment at a cost of…
Horoscopes for August 25-31, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will find unexplained spots showing up on parts of your body. Fortunately, they will be in places that no one but you and your Hanes will ever see. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This is a good time to buy a new car. It doesn’t have to be a new, new car. It can be a new, used car or truck or motorcycle. No, no motorcycles. Remember your bike? GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will smile all the time right now. This is confusing, because you are not a happy person….
Toilet Fixture Probe
CRIME NEWS: The crime wave of thieves stealing appliances and fixtures from construction sites and public buildings, which is reaching epidemic proportions, has not spared Sedona. Last month thieves entered the Sedona police station and stole all the toilet fixtures. An intensive probe is underway, but so far, according to chief of police, investigators have nothing to go on. TREATY NEWS: Archrivals, Sedona and Cornville, have signed a non-aggression pact in which Cornville has agreed to give up its uranium enrichment program and Sedona will halt its vortex enhancement program. ENERGY NEWS: Arizona Public Service publishes energy savings tips every month…
Beat the Heat . . .
With record highs seeming to become the norm in Arizona, critters across the state are forced to find creative ways to cool off. Along with the rising temperatures, drought conditions are causing the water levels in Arizona creeks, rivers, lakes and ponds to shrink, resulting in less water sources for wildlife to seek refuge. Fortunately and unfortunately, human impact, due to population sprawl has influenced the behavior of the animal kingdom surrounding them. The fortune in the case for this exhausted squirrel was a bowl of iced water left for someone’s pet. Related posts: Feeling Just A Little Squirrely……
The Contract of Marriage
Of all the foibles possessed by mankind, the desire to center attention on the marvels of the locality in which one lives is the least understandable. Apparently, there simply exists the need to excite the envy or curiosity of others to the grandeur of the place people call home. A fellow can live by himself in the midst of a dust-bedeviled wilderness and he’ll find some way to advertise the place as the center of the natural world. If he has to build a rock castle or install a sand-blown golf course, he’ll work his heart out till he attracts…
Horoscopes for August 11-17, 2013
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Aries has been through a rough time lately. Even though it has been caused by the people around you, it is still your fault for picking Jerry Springer Show friends. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Your planet Mercury is about to change signs and the move will take him out of Gemini, which you might see as a negative. Gemini couldn’t be happier. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) By the end of the month, the planet of love, gorgeousness and all things beautiful will have left your sign for another year. First the…
